I’m on a conscious battle with the people pleaser within. It’s been a useful attribute. Growing up my parents had their cares to brood about, and my brother was a handful. I remember thinking that I needed to be easy. Easy to get along with, easy to please. They had enough on their plate; I didn’t need to add to it. Somebody must have placed that notion in my head, and, like a good girl, I kept it up.
Nope, not there, over here please. A volunteer at the drive thru Covid vaccination was indicating that I need to park right next to the other vehicle so we could both hear what she had to say. Honk if you feel ill, wait until the allotted time. Got it. She moved on, then there I was, right next to another car with our windows down. I looked at my phone briefly but was feeling extremely rude by not chatting with this parked companion. He was looking at his phone too. Smoking and occasionally swearing. Nothing about him suggested we’d be kindred spirits, but I still felt immense pressure to reach out and say ‘hello’.
Then I recalled that I’m trying to be more conscious of my thoughts and setting healthy boundaries where applicable. Likely he doesn’t feel I’m being rude by not speaking to him. Heck, he might feel annoyed if I did strike up a conversation. And then, even if he is sulking over there, which he likely isn’t, it’s really none of my business. I don’t feel like chatting. Does anyone else go through this process, or I’m unique?
I was in a spa waiting room later with two other ladies. They were looking at their phones. I hadn’t brought mine and the magazines had been removed since Covid. I studied signs about Botox and drank in Audrey Hepburn above the mantle. Surely, I should say ‘hello’ right? Maybe they’re craving connection! Isn’t it terrible trying not to acknowledge each other? Why do we do that? I notice myself taking on this duty to infuse the moment with joy and make memorable connections. Now, there’s nothing wrong with doing that, it’s just that I wasn’t really in the mood. I just felt pressure, then felt guilty for not acting on it, then realized what I was doing and let myself off the hook. My massage therapist collected me shortly after that processing, thank goodness.
This is a common happening. I feel that I need to be the bringer of Joy and Peace at all times. Most of the time it feels great and aligned. But, when it doesn’t, I’m learning to be aware of what’s really going on inside and it’s very empowering.