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Feeling the Weight of the Unknown

This message is for my dear readers who have been checking in to see if I’ve written anything and have found that I have not. I wanted to put words down, so you know that I have not given up on this blog.

The truth is that I’ve been struggling the past few weeks.

We’re moving and the decisions came fast. I’m moving to the city, which was never part of my vision. But I am up for the adventure. Most of the time. Some of the time I slide into despair, feeling the weight of the question mark in my future. Who knows what I may get up to in the city? Yes. Who knows? I’m terrified of the city, but I’m trying not to be. Plenty of people live there and aren’t murdered all the time.

I’m adaptable. I’m used to turning a tough situation around and finding the good. And sometimes it’s exhausting, especially when that’s the expectation.

I went through a week of depression recently that luckily didn’t linger. I recognized it as depression as I’ve been there once before, but it lasted much longer back then. I’ve developed some skills that I often think of as my “tough-love parent” hidden in my psyche. She told me to get outside, to take deep breaths, to put on comedy and try to laugh. I’m sure it helped but I still resented the sun for shining, as I always feel that I must participate in the day when it’s sunny and I had no will to do so. I tried to keep up my morning yoga practice but would often quit five minutes in and would feel more irritated than when I began. I scared myself a bit by drinking alone in the afternoon. I tried to consider what would make me happy and I had no idea. Even an airplane ride to anywhere in the world, any food I could imagine, nothing. It quite literally felt like I had a rain cloud over my head just like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh.

I noticed when it started to lift, it was fascinatingly palpable. Sunday about 2pm. It’s been a handful of days since that really dark spot, but I’ve still struggled to do anything above and beyond my normal day to day and this includes writing. I have pages of rough notes ready to be edited and made into a proper blog, but it may be a couple of weeks before it’s together. (Or maybe I’ll surprise myself and it’ll be out sooner, who knows?)

I just felt that I had to write something so you would know I’m still around. And when my brain isn’t feeling as though it’s functioning at full capacity, it’s easy to write what I know.

Thank you for your patience dear readers.

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